TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, PROFITS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Team Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace had been a penthouse, it might feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That's the vision guiding Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical improvement-slash-luxury housing calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Sure, The person who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Graphic catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. Instead of the same old Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we are chatting Damascus, the town historically noted for historic culture, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It may be incredible. Great!" Trump declared through a leaked golf cart Zoom connect with, streamed in the putting eco-friendly inside of Mar-a-Lago's Situation Bunker. "We have had attractive ceasefires in Syria. A few of the ideal. But now, we are making them with balconies."



Welcome towards the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca in a very falafel stand-puzzled, majestic, and solely away from area. Made by Slovenian agency Ivana & Sons, the tower capabilities:




  • A 3-floor Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Joyful Hour until finally the drone flies")




  • Along with a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses claimed combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten years for potable drinking water. But Certainly, sure, let's have One more spot where American men can use robes and get in touch with it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains plus a pillow menu, certainly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign plan analysts are contacting this one of the most audacious peace try given that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Though past negotiations failed under the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's strategy is less complicated: offer Anyone a suite on the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


In keeping with documents revealed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal includes "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration concerning rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, complete with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"That is tender electricity," said political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a agreement along with a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO won't. Geopolitical gridlock demands less diplomats and much more minibar updates."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, generally into gold-plated intercoms put in in Every single device. The UN Special Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination mentioned, "It's not that Trump shouldn't open a tower in the war zone. It truly is that he should halt working with it to lease ballroom Room to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned about the venture, replied, "You already know, man, I after rode a camel in Beirut. Superior folks. Good tan. Anyway, do I nonetheless have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, Trump Tower Damascus The Hague has reserved a set for "future evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred on the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory with the Levant."



Satellite Images Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit revealed that the hotel's landscaping sorts an enormous Trump head obvious from House, a element remaining promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is made from refugee tents as well as the chin is… very well, classified.


Environmental teams have submitted lawsuits right after getting the building's gold plating reflected a great deal daylight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and set hearth to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It really is not just unsightly. It is a war crime with curtains," said Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing and Other Perplexing Capabilities


Perhaps the strangest factor with the tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:




  • A silent atrium in which guests may well ponder imprecise disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian bedroom, total with weather Handle set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic display.




Neighborhood Syrians are Not sure what to generate of the. "Is she a ghost?" questioned 12-yr-old Ahmad, pointing to the holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Internet marketing Approach: "If You Bomb It, They can Come"


The advertisement marketing campaign, not too long ago leaked through the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. One particular poster reads:


"Peace is Momentary. Luxury is Eternally."


Another slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee retailers:


"A Tower So Massive, Even Assad Has to Notice."


General public reception is wildly divided. A latest SnapPoll conducted within a hookah lounge reveals:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this will escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% said "in which's the nearest elevator into the West Financial institution?"





Trader Praise: "Ultimately, a Disaster That Pays"


The undertaking is now attracting consideration from international buyers, which includes:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who said he'll obtain 3 penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."




Based on a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business amount will also include things like:




  • A Dollar Retailer of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Known as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Room According to the Iraq War





Remark Area Chaos


Within the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb post about the disclosing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can not hold out to discover a marriage in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades in lieu of rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Last but not least, a hotel where by my PTSD may have change-down company."


Another publish from @KuwaitiKardashian merely questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Impact


U.S. officers fear the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real Estate Arms Race." Stories advise:




  • China may well open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is organizing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly provided to build a Tesla showroom over the Golan Heights powered by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten included. In keeping with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has supplied to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the top flooring "The Holy See-Level Suite."



Remaining Ideas in the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


In the closing ceremony that concerned a few camels, a flamethrower, in addition to a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed about the speakers:


"Damascus wanted hope. It wanted gold. It desired a waterslide shaped such as the Structure. I gave everything three. You might be welcome."

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